I wrote this first sentence with a fast heartbeat as I just got in to a fight– a war, if I put it in to perspective– with two flying cockroaches in my room. I killed one of them, and one other is still hiding somewhere between the cupboard. I just can’t sleep knowing he’s still alive and creeping slowly, waiting for me to fall asleep when he can finally ambush me with his counter-attack grossness; avenging his dead friend’s– or maybe his lovers– wrecked body in a suicidal terrorist mission.
I wrecked the body using an electric racket, disabling his capability to fly, and then smashed it with a broom stick. I also used my chemical weapon, baygon, to force them out of their shady little hiding place, so I can face them directly on the open battlefield. It was an epic adrenaline rush. And on top of that, it is not over, yet.
I write this as an effort to calm myself down, and kill my desire to talk to someone else about it. I don’t think I’m in a mood to talk. Gosh, I’m in a state of war, talk is long overdue. I’m completely overwhelmed by rage, and my thirst to spill cockroach blood; my arch enemies.
But, yah, I kinda feel a bit strange. I don’t know how my hatred towards them is building up in my heart all this time, but I just realized, deep in my little cowardly heart, it was fear driving all that. Those two cockroaches might be just having their fun, mating, playing around, or casually look for food; and I selfishly stepped in and unilaterally declared war with my mighty weaponry. Those two cockroaches might be gross, but that just their nature. Do they deserve such punishment? such a terrible war? Do I have a solid legit reason to be afraid of them?
The fear kicked my adrenaline so quick that I lost my mind, and I let it occupied with only one purpose, killing those poor insects without thinking as to why??! As I tried to smoke the second cockroaches out, I kinda feel bad.
I guess, this writing is my effort not only to calm myself down and analyze thing objectively, but also to make it as my form of redemption. I don’t want to start hating my self or being hard on my self, I just want to get back to peaceful state between me and the insects; a peaceful state in my heart so I can go to sleep without overthinking about it. There, I’m being selfish again.
It’s not fair for the cockroaches, I know, I killed one of them already. So as my selfish apology, I’ll let the other one live on, and I’ll stay awake until he leaves the room or until I passed out.
I don’t know what to do if this kind of conflict ever happen again another night. I don’t want to overthink about it yet. But one thing is for sure, I need to keep my head cool and decide objectively, not just driven by hatred and rage. And I’ll be able to act casually to this war, like how I desperately learnt to face joy and grief, and any clash of values, casually.
***
Time passed by and I didn’t sense any cockroach movement, so I guess I’ll just post this on my blog for fun. I think I’ll just put a loud music as I sleep, so I can be care less about the cockroach, or any nightmarish over-thinking scenes in my head.
F. Y. M.
Garut, 13/12/2018: 01:03 AM
PS. Let’s hear some Rondo of Nightmare, by BabyMetal live in Budokan. That is an epic Rondo music for a long long lasting nightmare right there; seems to fit this kind of night. Oh, I miss watching live videos of BabyMetal music performance, I long for the fun and the energy of those three little cuties, maybe I should watch some tomorrow should I get the chance. I’m fine, by the way, I’m in a good shape, ready for tomorrow, and curious as well.
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